Flim Noir Gangster

The dream this morning was a brief image flashing before my eyes before I awake. I see a man. The man looks like your quintessential image of a film noir gangster. He is wearing a nicely tailored grey pinstripe suit with fedora and a long skinny black tie. I watch him as he takes a long slow drag on the stub of a cigarette and in his right hand is a revolver. Suddenly, with the flick of his wrist, he opens the chambers of his gun and gives it a quick inspection to see that it is fully loaded. He then gives the gun another flick of the wrist to return the chambers to the loaded and firing position. He flings his cigarette butt away. He seems like a man determined to kill someone. I wake up.

This dream is like the intro to some Mickey Spillane novel. I think this dream is a reflection of how I feel about my job and getting up to go to work everyday. I confess I often feel like I am on a mission to kill someone or anyone who wants to give me a hard time. My business associate begins everyday with a harangue about what I need to accomplish and that I need to be ruthless and hardnosed about it. I feel like I am being sent on a mission to rob banks when I am suppose to be getting them cleaned. I loathe to be confrontational and I become like a cornered animal when provoked. My partner laughs at me. I need a vacation from his laughing ass and he needs to buy his own getaway car and stop borrowing mine.

So apparently I feel the need to accomplish things through force and intimidation? That has never been my style. On the outside I am a mild mannered and peace loving guy. I know I have a dark side though that has to be reconciled with.

The veneer of civilized behaviour is thin in every man. Who knows what stimulus or ordeal will drive a man to violence. I am forever mindful to keep Mr Hyde in check. Dreams are the landscape of his self expression bubbling up to the surface. He always, from time to time, asserts his presence and must be acknowledged and respected.

The gangster in me is one of many expressions of my shadow. He has a gun, a cigarette and an attitude. I am not a criminal, but I know a part of me could become one given the right circumstances. That is a sobering thought to consider.