The dream today has me sitting in a university math class. I was never very good at math. I ended up flunking out of my university degree after failing at algebra. In the dream I am sitting in class. The instructor has left his assistant to give us an extra credit pop quiz at the close of class. Dan, the assistant, is a great guy.
This quiz could give me just enough points to pass the class. The instructor has even given us the answers to the problems. What we are suppose to do is show our work in solving the problems. I write all the answers down and look at the problems carefully. My mind goes blank. I suffer from test anxiety and can not think clearly to save my life.
I watch all the students finish their quizzes and pick up to leave until I am the last student left. I hand my quiz sheet over to Dan. I have done none of the problems. Dan looks at me sympathetically and asks why I didn't at least try to answer the problems. He tells me I could get perhaps some partial credit if I at least make an effort. I just look at him for several long agonizing minutes and say nothing. The truth is I understand nothing of what the professor tried to teach us during the whole semester. Every bit of it was incomprehensible to me. I wake up feeling dejected.
I went through this in my waking life. The instructor in my last university math class would hold tutoring sessions with 20-30 students each week. I never got the personal attention and instruction I needed to get through these courses. I only needed to pass only one math class to finish my degree. I failed math three times and dropped out of school. After spending thousands of dollars and thousands hours at the university it all came to nothing. It is perhaps my greatest failure in this life. It haunts me still. I constantly ask what if? What could I have done differently? Can I someday redeem myself? Is it too late? Should I bother even trying again and put myself deeper into debt? Should I just accept this defeat and get on with my life?
Crap! I don't know! It is clear that this bothers me. I have tried hard to consciously supress and deny it, but it still has a hold on me, at the unconscious level. I really hate that.
This is yet another dream about making choices in life and living with the consequences of those choices. I don't know what more to say about all this. What am I suppose to do? Am I being prompted by my unconscious to finish what I started? Fine unconscious! How do you propose I do that? You son of a bitch! OH!!!
Today, I am going to pretend to not to analyse all this and try to solve the problems of universe and the results of my karma. I'm going to eat, shower, shave and dress myself for my dead end job, and go to work. Self pity is not my style.
God? Universe? Self? Please show me some mercy I need a break or vacation from myself and life's crap. Maybe I need to get hooked on cable TV or alcohol? That's how most Americans numb their minds and escape. I've been there and done that for a season. Sigh! I got to come up with something better.
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