My Military Karma

It is very early in the morning right now. I woke up at 2:30 am. The dream today annoys me. I will try to explain why after I describe it here.

I am outside an old army base. I was stationed here when I served in the Michigan National Guard. I am hiding behind a grove of oak trees. My plan is to sneak onto to the base. I am now no longer a soldier in the waking world. I was made to retire from active duty two years ago.  Why am I trying to sneak on to the base? I am going back to retrieve my old battle dress uniforms. The army retired the BDUs and issued a new version called the Army Combat Uniform or ACUs in 2004. The newer version is uglier but more comfortable, it wrinkled badly, and never looked very professional in my opinion. I confess I hated the new ones. They looked horrible and wore like fancy pyjamas.   

Well, I see a gate, chained and padlocked, along the perimeter fence. The fence is ten feet high topped with concertina wire. There is a gap in the gate, where it is chained, it is just wide enough for me to slip through. I crawl on my hands and knees to the rear door of my old barracks. The old barracks were built during the Vietnam era and were updated in the 1990s to single man rooms. They were originally open bay and filled with bunk beds. I find the door is unlocked. I scurry down a hallway. There is a door to my left leading down a hallway to the female wing. I carefully look through the glass and see a female soldier seated in the hallway reading a book. I carefully rush past hoping that she does not see or hear me as I move down the hallway. I know where I'm going. I am going to my old personal room. It is one I have used for many years and believe it has been unoccupied since I retired. I find my old room and this door too is unlocked! Amazingly my old uniforms are on the bed still clean and neatly folded on the bunk like I had left them years before. I quickly scoop them up in my arms.

Now I must make my escape. I head back the way I came, only this time I am spotted, as soon as I step out of the room. Down at the end of the hallway is a door with a window that looks out onto yet another barracks and there I see in an office, and a female officer, she is picking up the phone to call the civilian security guards to catch, and arrest me. I quickly, but nonchalantly, make my way out the building and back out the loosely locked gate before anyone can arrive to intercept me. I wake up in a cold sweat.

So why does this dream annoy me you might ask? When I left the U.S Army National Guard I was treated very unkindly and swore I would never go back to the old army base. Frankly, I'd like to forget I ever was a soldier. I served proudly and honourably all those years and was made to feel like garbage when I was told to leave. I had health issues and was no longer considered of any use to them and they made their contempt known. We have parted ways and I want nothing to do with them as much as they want nothing to do with me.

I hate it that I went back even in my dream. Some deep internal part of me misses the place. A huge part of my identity was tied up in those old uniforms. I was once a proud patriotic American soldier. I have, in fact, kept my old uniforms. I cannot part with them. I could in theory be called back to service. I am confident they would not call me back. However, I would be prepared if they did.

What does all this mean? I hate to admit it but I miss the old days. I have been forced to recreate myself since I retired. It has been a long slow painful process. I was homeless and lost several jobs. I am still years away from making my life somewhat better and more secure, and I'm uncertain if I ever will.  Life now is personally tougher than any experience I had in the military. I used to be paid well in comparison to what I earn now.

This dream is forcing me to reflect on all this and I would rather not. I get up everyday and I go war with the world. I am not training to fight communists or terrorists in foreign lands. I am now trying to pay bills, feed myself and keep a roof over my head. I haven't the luxury to be wallowing in old memories and self pity. I hate being in this position and I weary of it.

For better or worse the military will always be a part of me. I cannot escape it even in my dreams. I will learn from this and move forward. The karma is what it is. Let's hope I can heal and create a better me in the future or the next life. Samsara is a bitch.